I'm back! But for how long?

What is this nastiness? What could be funny and/or gross enough to bring me out of blog-tirement? This, dear friend, is what happens when you take one leftover greek salad and let it sit in the work refrigerator for nigh on three months. Yes, the salad has begun to dissolve the aluminum container. I can't believe I ate that. Think about what it must have done to my stomach. On a curious note, the feta cheese appeared to be still quite good. Oh, and I am wearing two different kinds of deodorant today because I ran out mid-application. It kind of gives me that icky feeling like when you don't shower and leave the house to run an errand. Eww.

Post-modernism and Blogging

I think I am having a postmodern existential blogging crisis.

I can't say I've ever blogged for the sake of blogging before. Well, maybe that's not true. Looking at my past blog entries, I can't really say I've had much of a purpose in blogging other than just to be a blogger. What does it all mean? If a blog is written in the woods and there's nobody around to read it, does it still suck? I've been under a lot of pressure from people I know to keep blogging, but I have to ask myself, "Self, what do I do when I no longer feel like blogging?" Do I have any sort of responsibility to the three people who actually read this blog to keep scrounging for something to write about? Is this the death of blogging?

And furthermore, is there life after blogging?

Don't let the motherf***ers get you down...

There are two types of people that I absolutely hate.

The first is that person who thinks television viewing is a normative act. They think they are morally superior to us television watchers because they either severely restrict their television consumption, or else do not watch it at all. I ask you this, dear reader, "what's so goddamned wrong with t.v.?"

Studies have shown that there is no link between television watching and performance in school. So, you can't really say it makes you stupid. Let's not forget all those boring educational programs that are available on the t.v. Television is no different than movies, books, museums, poetry, theater, etc... There are good t.v. programs and there are bad t.v. programs.

Besides, what do all those non-tv watchers do with their free time? Scrapbooking? Reading books, doing crossword puzzles, going out with friends? Guess what, I do all those things too (with the exception of scrapbooking) and I still manage to watch a lot of t.v. How do I do it? Well, it's a little thing I like to call multi-tasking. I read a book while the t.v. is on... I do a crossword puzzle while watching the latest "Family Guy"... I invite my friends over to watch t.v. Seriously, it's that easy.

So, not only do I know what happened on "Days of our Lives" yesterday, I can also talk to you about Nabokov, Tolstoy, and Harry Potter. Feel my wrath t.v. haters!

The other type of person that I absolutely hate is Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Please welcome Val!

Today's guest blogger is Val.

WHAT A DAY. Let me tell you. First the SOUP PLACE closed (and I'm afraid I may have had something to do with that. I hope my cup of clam chowder from last week isn't still sitting on the counter).

To keep in the spirit of Matt's blog, I will have to first bitch about the CTA. I take the El every day. The Green Line, to be specific. And for those of you who are not familiar with the El, the Green Line is not the most, um, how shall we say…. SEXY of the El lines. It goes through some really rough neighborhoods. I've witnessed (and smelled) several things that I wish would just go away. There was the time when two women got on at Central and talked about going to work (and I believe they worked in an office setting, based on the ingredients of their conversation). I know this past summer in Chicago was hot, but GOD. WHO WEARS TUBE TOPS TO WORK? And really short skirts? REALLY SHORT. And no underwear. Not to mention the alcohol odor that was oozing from their beings. Work. Copiers. Files. In a tube top. Imagine the paper cut possibilities.

But the thing that drives me crazy about my El commute is the people who GET DRESSED on the train. I'm not talking about people who show up naked (because that is assuredly not sexy at all. Some groups of people are better clothed than not). I'm talking about people who apply makeup – eyeliner, blusher, lipstick/gloss, mascara. MASCARA PEOPLE. It's a stick of black goo. BY YOUR EYE. That is just dangerous. I am always compelled to rip whatever implement they are using out of their hand and toss it out of the train when the door opens. I suppose I would have to leave the train at the next stop so as to avoid getting mauled. Maybe the Green Line crowd would surprise me and applaud me. Maybe I could be their hero by attempting to stop the public grooming. It's something I'll have to consider.

An homage to Jenny.

My friend Jenny complained that all I do is bitch about the CTA. Well, Jenny, i am perfectly capably of bitching about a lot of things. In fact, one thing I feel particularly stong about are TEVA brand sandals. What follows are some thoughts on the moral impoverishment of TEVA sandals and the people who wear them.

1) TEVAs are an affront to nature. They are made from plastic or some other chemically-concocted, unnatural, petroleum by-product material.

2) TEVAs are kitsch. They are decorated with pseudo-native american designs or odd curlicue things that are supposed to make you think they are "outdoorsy".

3) TEVAs are cheap. I mean, c'mon, they are just a rubber pad with plastic straps. I could make you something out of milk cartons and string that would be pretty much the same thing.

4) TEVAs do not flatter the foot. They especially exacerbate the situation if you have ugly or really long toes. They do not provide enough coverage, and unlike the flip-flop with its attractive v-shape, the TEVA strap bisects the foot perpendicularly, which, as everyone knows, is offensive to all finer sensibilities.

5) TEVAs have velcro. At least I think they do. Velco is only approporate for certain things like children's shoes. Grown ups do not use velcro. It is lazy and laziness is a sin.

6) TEVA wearers are hypocritical snobs. They consider themselves to be nature lovers and look down on people who don't recycle (see point #1).

and finally,

7) TEVAs make baby Jesus cry.

Are you happy now Jenny? Enjoy those TEVAs!

Jobs That Sound Good on Paper

How would you like to have a job where all you had to do was have lots of sex?

I hate the bus, but I love my coworkers!

There must be a better way to commute. I think I will get a helicopter and chopper to and from work. I bet that would be the best way. How much could a helicopter cost anyway?

Here is Brittney wearing magical 3-D glasses and doing a Mad-Libs. No, we do work, really. I swear!