I bet this has never happened to you.

Well, that's it. Whatever vestiges of innocence remained in my being are now gone forever. I have been violated in the most terrible way. Let me begin by describing my office to you. It is a nice "corner" office (I say "corner" because, even though it is in the corner of the building, only one wall has any windows) on the first floor of the building. It faces out onto an alley, which is less than a view of the skyline, but more than an office in the basement. There are some lovely shrubs planted at about eye-level which block out most of the random things that happen in your average urban alley, but also allow a blinding amount of sun into my otherwise shut-in existence. I should also mention that, although the shrubbery is lovely to look at, it does not provide "full-coverage". This is about to become very important.

So, I was at work yesterday, minding my own business, working on some document or report or something when I notice, out of the corner of my eye, someone approaching my window from the alley. My first thought was that it was someone about to rifle through the dumpsters which are also located outside my window, and which are also partially concealed by lovely shrubbery. However, this particular gentleman has far more sinister plans in mind. I first caught on to the reality of the situation when said gentleman's hands moved toward his belt. "OK," thought I, "he is going to take a wizz. That's really disgusting. I am going to look away." Then, and this is where the true tragedy of the event that is about to happen hits, our gentleman begins, in one smooth motion, to turn around, squat, and "drop-trou". Oh. My. God. Let's just say I probably broke a land-speed record getting the hell out of my office at that point. Dear reader, I have gone blind, I want to rub habanero peppers in my eyes, I want to go to a hypnotist to make me block the memories out of my mind forever. This is one case where it is best to repress. What's a person to do now? My office is forever tainted. I cannot look out the window for fear of what other ghastly sights would confront me. I have determined via a random and unscientific poll that I am the only person in the entire office ever to have had this happen. This is the legacy I will leave. This will be my gift to the ages. That is so depressing.