Why does everyone have a cooler job than me?

I just talked to my friend Vince from college yesterday. He told me that Heather is in Kinshasa for work. Heather works for the State Department. That's a fucking awesome sounding job. The Congo man, Africa, being all international and stuff. Not only that, but my other friend Matt, he is working for Unesco in Paris. What the hell? I think they are living the life I am supposed to have. I am soooooo cut-out to be a jet-setting, international-working, business-trip-taking, high-profile-career-having sonofabitch. Look out world! This is about as exciting as things get for me. I met a big-ass peanut butter cup. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.